Attack of The River Monkeys

Season 01 - Episode 01

“I, River Monkey”

Producer: Bill Farro

Writer: CB Droege

FADE IN:

INTO DREAM SEQUENCE:

EXT. - FOGGY RIVER OF NIGHTMARES - NIGHT

All that can be seen is a fast flowing river, and a very thick fog. As the camera pans to the right, a dark and dead tree enters the shot and passes by. Soon, a dark boat appears with one occupant. Shot zooms toward the boat, and the fog becomes clearer. The occupant is YOUNG STEVEN GIBBONS, who is dressed like Indiana Jones, but whose face looks very young and clean. Steven’s face is worried, and he scans the water around him with jerky movements of his head and eyes. Our view moves away from Steven’s face, and tips toward the water behind his boat, where he is not looking. The top of a small, hairy head pokes out of the water. The creature’s eyes open and the creature is clearly simian. The view tilts up into the sky, and we can see only fog and darkness. A splash is heard and a man’s scream fills the night.

Out of dream sequence:

int. - Doctor Gibbon’s eficiency dorm ROom - VERY EARLY MORNING

DOCTOR STEVEN GIBBONS, who is dressed like Indiana Jones, but whose face is older and heavily bearded, sits up quickly in bed. He covers his face with his hands and moans. Pulling his hands away, he swings his legs out of the bed, revealing the entire Indiana Jones costume, including whip.

gibbons

(whispering to himself) oh, man…

Gibbons moans again as he stands out of bed, and walks to his bathroom, to which the door is open. Our view follows him. He leans his hands on the sink, and looks up at his ragged face in the mirror. After a moment he turns on the water and splashes a handful of it into his face, rubbing his eyes again before pushing the water out of his beard with his fingers. He looks up and examines his face in the mirror. After a moment, he turns toward his small shower stall. He turns the water on and removes his hat, placing it on a nearby hook. He then steps into the shower, and closes the door behind him before he begins rubbing a bar of soap against the front of his leather jacket.

FADE TO:

INT. - HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF GIBBON'S OFFICE - MORNING

Gibbons lifts off his hat with one hand while he pushes his other hand through his thick grey hair. He is walking down a plain hallway lined with office doors marked with the names of doctors. His clothing is dry. Other men and women walk through the hallway, into and out of doors. They are all dressed in academic-formal attire. He comes to a door marked with his name. On the door is a yellow sticky note: "Steven- Meet me in rm 600 at 9:00 -Dir. Galant". Gibbons pulls the note from his door, and looks at his watch. The hands point to 9:10. He groans and continues down the hallway.

INT. - SECOND FLOOR ELEVATOR LOBBY - MORNING

Gibbons pushes the up button and smiles at DOM, a student with dark hair and dark glasses who is also waiting at the elevator. Dom's voice is squeaky and nervous. He obviously looks up to Gibbons.

DOM

Good morning, Professor Gibbons!

Gibbons looks over at him as if he has no idea who he is, after a moment he opens his mouth and gives a ponderous reply.

GIBBONS

Good morning... Dill?

DOM

Actually, it's 'Dom'.

Gibbons takes a few moments to reply again, he chews the inside of his cheek a few times before he speaks, unconvincingly.

GIBBONS

Sure thing... I'll try to remember that.

The elevator door opens and the 'up' light dings on.

GIBBONS

Going up, Dom?

DOM

No, sir. I'm done with classes for the day.

Gibbons looks at his watch and back to Dom, lifts his nose slightly, in order to squint down at the student, then silently boards the elevator. He cocks his head slightly to the side, still looking at Dom as the elevator door closes.

DOM

Have a nice day, Dr. Gibbons!

INT. - AN ELEVATOR - MORNING

Once the doors close, Gibbons looks down at the yellow slip in his fingers, then looks at the buttons on the elevator control panel. The buttons number from one to five. Gibbons sighs and pushes the button marked with a five as he leans against the wall of the elevator.

INT. - FIFTH FLOOR ELEVATOR LOBBY - MORNING

The elevator doors open, and two chatty female students get on the elevator as Gibbons is trying to get off, he pushes his way between them, and they act as if he was being rude. He turns down the hallway and walks out of the lobby, shaking his head.

INT. - FIFTH FLOOR HALLWAY - MORNING

Gibbons approaches a set of double doors at the end of the hall, and pushes through them.

INT. - A STAIRWELL - MORNING

Gibbons takes a deep breath and rubs his beard as he stands on a landing, in front of a door marked with a giant five. He checks his yellow paper one more time before he begins to climb the stairs. He quickly reaches an unmarked door, and tentatively tries the handle. The door opens, and a slight wind ruffles Gibbons' Jacket.

EXT. - THE ROOFTOP OF THE UNIVERSITY BUILDING - MORNING

Gibbons opens the door the rest of the way, and steps out onto the roof. The morning sky is clear and bright. From the trees in the distance, it is late fall. This building is surrounded by other similar buildings. There is a gravel surface to walk on, and DOCTOR RICHARD GALANT, a tall man with nice, yet wind-blown hair and a well tailored suit stands near the opposite edge, facing away from the building. Galant speaks without turning to face Gibbons.

GALANT

Good morning, Steven.

GIBBONS

Not really.

GALANT

You're late.

GIBBONS

(beat) ... Yea.

galant

(sarcastically) …And you wonder why they chose me over you to be the new department director?…

gibbons

No I don’t. I know that it’s because you are a brown-nosing heel, and I’m not willing to jump through their hoops. Even if I am more qualified…

Galant’s face twists with anger, and neither man speaks for a moment, while he calms himself down. Finally, Galant smiles and turns to face Gibbons.

galant

I didn’t ask you up here to bicker with you.

gibbons

‘coulda fooled me.

galant

..yes, well-

gibbons

Just tell me what you want, Director Galant.

galant

I called you up here to offer you a grant.

Gibbons looks shocked.

Gibbons

You want me to apply for a grant?

galant

No…

Galant takes a few steps toward Gibbons. They are now about five feet from one-another.

galant (cont)

I have already done the paper-work, it has already been approved, all that is left is for you to accept.

gibbons

What kind of research will I be doing?

Galant pauses for several beats and looks slightly amused, like he is savoring the moment.

galant

I need you to return to the rivers.

Gibbons laughs, and shakes his head.

gibbons

You know I don’t work for the RCP any more, Richard. I don’t do that kind of stuff, I’m not young anymore. (beat) I don’t accept your grant. (beat) Find someone else to die for your precious project.

Gibbons turns to leave. His hand is on the door knob when Galant calls after him:

galant

If you don’t accept…

Gibbons

Yea?...

galant

You’ll loose your professorship, Steven.

Galant frowns sarcastically.

galant (cont)

It would be a shame, considering how close you are to that tenure that you’ve been working so hard for.

Gibbons pauses with his hand still on the door handle. He sighs, and looks exhausted.

gibbons

How long is the research period?

galant

One year. After that, I’m sure your tenure would be easy to come by.

Gibbons turns around to face Galant once more. He squints at the director, trying to look through him. After a moment, he grabs the door handle again, and pulls the door open.

gibbons

Send me whatever papers I have to sign.

He steps through without looking back again. Galant is left alone on the rooftop. He turns and walks back toward the edge, he looks off into the bright sky, and begins to chuckle softly to himself. Our view tilts to the sky.

FADE TO:

EXT. – Sky over a new mexican desert – near noon

The sky is clear and blue, the sun is high. Our view tilts down, and we catch a glimpse of sand dunes in the bottom of the frame. In the distance we hear a shout of excitement, and engine noise is growing louder. Suddenly a shape moves across the screen from right to left. The shape is a small machine, which looks like nothing more than a large garbage can with wings. Straddling the machine is DENISE UPPERCUT, a blonde haired, dark skinned woman with bright green eyes, and lots of energy. We see a close up of her flight-goggled face as she shouts again.

uppercut

Wooo-hooo!! Yeah!

The machine begins to waiver and tilt toward the ground. Uppercut pulls back hard on the control stick that sits between her legs on the top of the ‘plane’, but it doesn’t help. She pulls a cord from the front of the flight suit that she’s wearing, and lets the machine drop from under her as her parachute opens above her. The machine crashes into the sand, while she drifts above it. She steers her parachute toward the crash site, and lands herself right next to it. The machine is totaled.

MR. FUENTES, a short, dark man with a thick moustache, is running through the sand toward Uppercut and the totaled machine. She puts her goggles up on her hair, and then her hands on her hips and watches him approach. When he gets within earshot, he begins to shout.

fuentes

Uppercut!! Uppercut, you moron! I saw that! You could have saved that plane!

Fuentes runs the rest of the way up to meet her, and stops to catch his breath. Uppercut just stares at him. When he is able to shout again, he does:

fuentes

You bailed too early; you could have regained control of that plane!

Uppercut shouts back.

Uppercut

If I’d waited another second, I would have been too low to use my parachute! I was cutting it close alrea-

fuentes

I don’t care about that! What’s our client gonna say when I tell them we crashed another one of their experiments?!

uppercut

Bite my ass, Mr. Fuentes! I’m a test pilot, not an engineer; it’s not my fault if their designs don’t work!

fuentes

I pay you to fly the planes, not crash them! If you can’t handle that then you can’t work for me!

uppercut

Fine, I was quitting today, anyway!

fuentes

(laughing) Yea right! Who else would hire you?

uppercut

I got a call this morning. Some fancypants professor in Cincinnati wants me to pilot a boat for him on some kind of research mission. He wants to give me a year contract, and he pays better than your cheap ass!

fuentes

You can’t pilot a boat!

uppercut

I can pilot anything!

fuentes

Whatever, Uppercut! Have a nice life!

Uppercut sits on the sand as Fuentes walks away. After a moment she lets herself fall back, and she grunts as she hits the sand. Our view follows her gaze back into the bright blue sky.

FADE TO:

int. - HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF GIBBON'S OFFICE – afternoon

TEXT: ONE WEEK LATER

Uppercut, still wearing her flight suit and goggles, walks down the hallway toward Gibbons’ office. She looks down at a small slip of paper in her hand, then looks at the doors on each side of the hallway until she finds the door with Dr. Gibbons’ name and room number on it. She knocks sharply.

gibbons (os)

It’s open.

Uppercut reaches out and grabs the door handle. She tries to turn it, but it’s locked. She puts her hands on her hips, and tilts her head to one side, impatiently. After a moment, Dr. Gibbons opens the door. He looks and sounds slightly embarrassed.

gibbons

I apologize. I forgot that it locks itself. Ms. Uppercut? Erm… Yes, of course you are, why else would you be here? Erm… Please! Come in…

Uppercut continues to wait in the hall in her impatient pose. Gibbons stares at her for a long moment, still visibly nervous in her presence. Then, he realizes that he is standing in her way.

gibbons

Oh! I guess I need to move!

Gibbons chuckles nervously to himself, and backs away from the door. Uppercut rolls her eyes before finally stepping into the office.

INT. - gibbons’ office - afternoon

Dr. Gibbons’ office is small and quite cramped for three people. In the room is a small desk, a chair, a bookshelf and a small table. On the table, is a computer that looks like it has sat unused for a very long time. On the bookshelf, most of the books are either about rivers or about monkeys. More books and papers cover every possible surface in the office. Sitting on the desk, with his feet in the chair, is GREG STORM, a fit, hansom man with a diplomatic face, partially obscured by a pair of expensive sunglasses.

gibbons

Oh! Erm.. Ms. Uppercut, this (gestures to Storm) is Greg Storm: Linguist and martial arts master.

Storm offers his hand, and Uppercut considers it briefly before taking it in hers. Gibbons turns to Storm.

gibbons

Erm… Mr. Storm, this is Denise Uppercut, Test Pilot.

Storm

A pleasure to meet you, Denise.

uppercut

I know.

Gibbons

Our expedition only requires one more member. As soon as I find a student who is willing to take a year off to be my research assistant, we can be on our way. Unfortunately most students have lives and jobs that cannot be left behind for such long periods of time.

uppercut

Well, most students can go to hell!

gibbons

Now now, Ms. Uppercut, there’s no need for-

Gibbons is distracted by the appearance of Dom at his open door. Dom pushes his thick glasses higher onto his nose before he speaks.

dom

Hiya, Professor Gibbons! What'cha up to?

gibbons

(smiling) Come in please, Dean-

dom

Dom!

Gibbons

Dom, yes of course. Dom, would you like to be my assistant for an important research project?

Dom looks very excited.

dom

I’d love to Professor! Just tell me what I have to do!

gibbons

Good good, come in. Let’s talk…

FADE OUT

BREAK

FADE IN:

EXT. - ohio river dock - Morning

Gibbons, Uppercut, Storm, and Dom are on small concrete dock on the Ohio River. They walk up to a small dark-green houseboat, which looks as if it has room for only one person to live in it. The name ‘Shifty Tammy’ is stenciled onto the side of the boat in white letters. Nearby, several crates are stacked on the dock.

storm

Professor, isn’t this boat a little small for four people?

Gibbons

Get used to it! This is your home for the next year.

uppercut

This is a joke, right?

gibbons

No joke. This is our vessel. I once captained this ship with a crew of ten. I’m sure that the four of us can manage.

dom

But, Professor, you must be kidding. Why would you have hired a Linguist for the team if our expedition is on the Ohio?

gibbons

We won’t be staying on the Ohio, Dilbert.

dom

But, Professor-

Storm

Quiet you two! Listen…

All four of them stop what they were doing and listen. Uppercut shakes her head and scoffs lightly at Storm’s behavior.

Storm

Quiet! Denise- All of you, get on the boa-!

uppercut

Go to hell, Greg! You don’t give me orders!

storm

Unless you want to fight the ninjas that are heading this way, I suggest you get on the boat! (beat) Please!

Gibbons and Dom run immediately up the gang-plank. Uppercut hesitates for a moment, and then reluctantly runs after them. Just as she reaches the deck, SWORD and NUNCHAKU, both ninjas each carrying the weapon of their namesake, run onto the dock, and face Storm. Storm assumes a goofy looking fighting stance, and gestures to the ninjas that they should approach him. Storm speaks in Mandarin Chinese with English subtitles.

storm

The ninjas ignore his question, and advance on him. Sword strikes first. Storm slides forward and catches the man’s arm. Sword tries to strike with his free arm, but Storm catches that one too. Nunchaku sees the opportunity, and tries to hit Storm in the back with his wooden weapon. Storm falls backward, pulling Sword with him, and putting Swords head in the path of Nunchaku’s attack. The attack connects with a thunk, and Storm lets go of Sword’s arms, allowing him to land face first on the concrete dock, unmoving. Sword’s sword is now in Storm’s hand. He quickly brings the point around to the other ninja. Who is in the process of trying to attack again. Nunchaku wraps his weapon around the sword, and both weapons fling across the dock, landing in a clatter several yards away. The ninja lunges toward the weapons, but Storm grabs him with one arm, and tosses him to the ground. Quickly the ninja is on his feet again, and the two begin to trade blows. Most of them are blocked, but Storm lands more than the ninja does. Eventually the ninja seems somewhat disoriented, and Storm picks him up by the waist, and throws him in the river.

Over his shoulder we see Sword sneaking up on him with his weapon back in his grasp. He is about the strike, when the sword is snatched out of his hand by a whip from the boat. Storm turns around in time to shove him while he is still surprised, and he goes tumbling into the water. On the boat, Gibbons is winding his whip, and clipping it back on his belt.

storm

Thank you, Professor. You’re pretty good with that thing.

gibbons

I was aiming for his neck, but you’re welcome just the same.

uppercut

What the hell, professor?! Why were we just attacked by ninjas?!

gibbons

Hmm…Yes. I suppose it’s time I explained to all of you the full scope of this project. Load those crates into the storage bay, then meet me in my office, below deck.

Gibbons turns and walks down the stairs, out of sight. The others stare after him.

FADE TO:

INT. - Gibbon’s office on the Shifty Tammy - Morning

This office is twice as big as Gibbons’ university office, and very clean. A brand new computer with a space-saving screen sits on his large hardwood desk. There are three chairs facing the desk on the opposite side. The wall is decorated with nautical tools and river maps from all around the world. A bookshelf in one corner is empty. Our view bobs slightly to make it obvious that were inside the boat. Gibbons is sitting at the desk, studying a map on his computer screen. His fedora is off, and hanging on a coat tree near the door; Along with a spare leather jacket and a pink feather boa. Gibbons looks up as there is a knock at the door. He calls out absentmindedly.

gibbons

It’s open.

The door knob turns, and the door rattles, but does not open. His reverie finally broken, Gibbons gets up from his desk and moves toward the door.

gibbons

I apologize.

Gibbons opens the door, and stands back to let Uppercut, Storm, and Dom into his office. Storm is pushing a large crate through the door with his feet.

gibbons (cont)

Please, come in. Sit down.

Storm

I believe this crate belongs in here?

Gibbons looks at the crate with his beard in his hand.

gibbons

Erm… Ah! Yes, my books. Thank you.

Gibbons bends down and pushes the crate toward his bookshelf. The others sit down and look around the office in awe. Gibbons begins to unpack his books from the crate onto his shelf. These are the same books that were on his shelf at the university. After a moment the others begin to look impatient, but the professor continues to stock his bookshelf. Uppercut clears her throat noisily, and Gibbons turns to find all of them staring at him.

gibbons

Yes? What can I do for you all?

Uppercut

You can bite my ass!

gibbons

Yes, well… Is there anything else?

Storm

Professor, you said that you wanted to explain our mission to us.

gibbons

Oh yes, The River Connection Project. Let’s see… I’ll start at the beginning. In 1967, myself and another cartography student were mapping the Euphrates River in Africa. We took a side tributary and were attacked by monkeys.

Dom

Monkeys, Professor?

Storm

Feh! I don’t believe in monkeys!

Gibbons looks suddenly hurt and angry at the same time.

gibbons

(voice raised) Well, you’d better start believing Greg, cause soon you’re gonna be fighting them off by the hundreds! You’d better be ready, cause you’re in for the fight of your life! Do you know what it’s like to watch a man torn to pieces by evil simians, right before your eyes?! Do you know what it’s like to be responsible for the deaths dozens of men?! Do you know what it’s like to be stranded alone on the darkest rivers of South Africa, just waiting for death to come?! No! You don’t know the horrors of the river monkeys! But, you will, Mr. Storm! You will!

All three of the other people in Gibbons’ office are stunned, as if struck, Uppercut tries to say something, but her mouth just opens and closes silently. Gibbons sits down at his desk, suddenly calm. He smoothes his hair back, and leans back in his chair.

gibbons

What was I saying?

Dom speaks. His voice is as if his mouth contains no moisture.

dom

Y- you and th-the oth -ther student w- w- were at-t-t

gibbons

Yes, attacked by river monkeys. The attack was short, but we only barely survived. After only ten minutes of monkey siege, our small boat was lost over the edge of a waterfall. When we came to, we found ourselves floating down the Mississippi River. We couldn’t understand what had happened, and dismissed it as a one time event.

Storm and Dom were listening attentively. Uppercut looks bored.

gibbons (cont)

Later, during my research, I came across a passage written on the back of an ancient Aztec map. It described a portal guarded by evil monkeys; a waterfall that could transport a boat, in one day, further than a week of camel riding. I decided to try to find this portal. I was unable to get any research grants for my project, for obvious reasons, but my partner found a private company who was willing to support the expedition. Richard stayed behind, while I lead the party of cartographers on my own.

Uppercut looks away, and notices the pink boa on the coat tree. She reacts as if startled.

gibbons (cont)

We followed the map, and found the tributary. The monkey attack began immediately, half of my crew was lost overboard before we even realized that we were being attacked. We tried to defend ourselves, and we were able to fight them off, despite being untrained as monkey fighters, but the attack was relentless, every monkey that we were able to toss back overboard was replaced by two more, the assault went on for hour after hour, until finally only one crewman, and myself were left. We were surrounded by monkeys, and expecting the end, when the ship started to tip over the waterfall. The monkeys grabbed my only remaining crewman, and dragged him overboard at the last second. Next thing I knew, I was in South Africa, half-dead and alone.

uppercut

Shove it up your craw, Professor!

Every one stares in shock at Uppercut. Several moments pass and uppercut slowly seems to realize what she said. She puts her fingers to her mouth.

dom

I don’t understand.

storm

Why would you say something like that, Denise?

gibbons

That really hurt my feelings…

dom

It didn’t even make sense.

uppercut

(almost in tears) I don’t know… Something about being on the river seems to upset me.

storm

(sarcastic) Great, and you weren’t exactly a bag of daisies when we got on this boat.

uppercut

(crying) Shut up, Greg! You don’t know anything!

gibbons

Tut tut, lets just forget about it; water under the bridge… (to uppercut) Ms. Uppercut, are you going to be alright?

Uppercut nods in affirmation, but says nothing. She is obviously holding back tears.

gibbons

Then I will continue. (beat) after only that one expedition, we lost our funding, but that was okay with me, because I had sworn never to try and find any of these ‘Monkey Portals’ again.

Storm

Professor, if you gave up, then what are we doing out here?

gibbons

Politics, Mr. Storm. Politics. That ‘partner’ of mine kept the project alive under the name he gave it: ‘The River Connection Project’. He theorized that all rivers in the world we connected via a series of these portals, and that if we could locate and make safe all of these portals, we could make a fortune in the transportation industry… Of course, safety issues and large corporations who were against the project, made it impossible to mount new expeditions. He didn’t have the power to allocate funding for the project, or to make me lead the expedition…

Storm

…until now.

gibbons

(agreeing) …until now.

uppercut

What about the ninjas?

gibbons

Probably sent by an enemy of the project, to stop it from going forward.

dom

Who are these enemies, Professor?

Gibbons

Think about it, young Dexter,

dom

Dom.

Gibbons (cont)

(without stopping) who would be against such a project?

DOM

(as if in epiphany) The airline industry!

Gibbons

Exactly right, along with any other expensive transportation companies.

Storm

Professor, how do we fight these monkeys? Do they have any weaknesses?

Gibbons

They have much the same weaknesses as any mammals. Fire, sharp things, loud noises, and what have you, but from our interactions with the monkeys, we have learned about an additional weakness that can be used against them only if you fully understand the implications… It’s a set of rules that the monkeys seem to follow. They are known as the three laws of River Monkeyotics.

uppercut

What the he-- Sorry, I mean: What are they?

Gibbons

Listen carefully. Law number one: No river monkey may harm another river monkey, or through inaction allow another river monkey to come to harm. Law two: A river monkey shall always harm a human being unless doing so conflicts with the first law. Law three: No monkey shall record, rebroadcast, or retransmit a monkey league baseball game without the expressed written consent of the monkey league baseball commissioner’s office.

storm

(thoughtfully) I can see how that would be useful when fighting them.

dom

But, Professor-

The telephone on Gibbons’ desk rings cutting of Dom’s plea. Gibbons looks over at his phone, and reads the caller I.D. window.

gibbons

I need to take this. You three take the day to get settled into your cabins. We embark in the morning.

Uppercut, Storm, and Dom rise and leave the room, while Gibbons answers his phone. He waits until after they shuffle out before he says:

gibbons

This is Steven Gibbons … I see … I see … Yes, of course … Very well … I understand … Thank you.

Gibbons hangs up the phone and stares angrily straight ahead.

INT. - Dom and storm’s room on the shifty tammy - afternoon

This room is incredibly small and filthy. The walls are covered in rusted pipes, and there is standing water on the floor. There is barely room in the cabin for the small bunk bed, and one small nightstand. Storm and Dom enter through the only door. They look around, disgusted.

Storm

(disgusted) This room sucks.

Dom nods emphatically.

INT. - Uppercut’s room on the shifty tammy - afternoon

This room is even larger than Gibbons’ office. The floor is covered in plush carpet, and the large bay window is framed by an elaborately designed set of curtains. There is a large dresser, a vanity table with large mirror, a king sized canopy bed in one corner, and everything is pink. Uppercut enters through the only door. She looks around, disgusted.

Uppercut

This room sucks!

INT. - hilda’s room on the shifty tammy - afternoon

This room is medium sized, and baseball themed. There are bats, caps, and pennants on the walls, and every flat surface has baseball cards in frames sitting on it. The small single sized bed, has a baseball themed linen set, and the floor is hardwood. HILDA, a short heavyset woman with long yellow hair, and a traditional German costume enters through the only door. She looks around, disgusted. Hilda speaks in German with English subtitles.

HILDA

Hilda flops onto the bed with a grunt, and falls immediately to sleep, snoring soundly.

FADE OUT

BREAK

FADE IN:

ext. - Upper deck of the shifty tammy - early morning

The deck of the Shifty Tammy is all wood. A maiden is carved into the front of the ship. And the name of the ship is stenciled into the each side, near the rear. At the front of the deck is a small cabin, which contains the controls of the ship, including a ‘novelty-sized’ wooden steering wheel, that looks like it has been pulled straight out of a giant pirate ship. Surrounding the wheel are several panels of futuristic buttons and levers that look as if they’ve been pulled straight out of a space-pirate ship. The sides of the deck are lined with benches. A storage locker sits in the center of the deck. The padlock is sitting open on top of the locker. At the rear of the deck is the door down to the cabins. Uppercut and Gibbons are standing in the pilot’s cabin. Uppercut is steering, and watching the controls, while Gibbons is watching the river ahead through a pair of small silver binoculars. Storm is pacing up and down one side of the boat, watching the bank, a wooden staff in his left hand, a small pistol in his right. Dom steps out of the cabin door, yawning, and looks around. He is still in his pajamas, which cover his entire body, leaving only his hands and head exposed. The pajamas are made from a patterned cloth. The pattern depicts various, cartoony, monkey heads, all smiling. He is the only person on the deck who is not wearing the clothing that he was in when he was introduced.

dom

We’re moving.

Storm

We got underway at dawn, about two hours ago.

dom

Seen anything yet?

As Dom asks this, the boat is passing Serpentine Wall.

Uppercut

(to herself) Plenty of flying pigs…

gibbons

(to Dom) Nothing yet, Devin. Would you like to take a look with my theatre glasses?

Dom looks excited despite the incorrect naming. He smiles and rushed across the deck in his padded footies. He holds out his hand to accept the binoculars from Gibbons. When he has them, he holds them up to his eyes and looks out in front of the boat, as gibbons had been doing. Uppercut turns to look at Gibbons with one eye-brow raised. Gibbons looks back at her, smiling.

uppercut

Theatre glasses?

gibbons

(confused) Yes?

uppercut

You called them ‘theatre glasses’…

gibbons

What would you have called them?

Uppercut shakes her head in disbelief then almost shouts.

uppercut

They’re freaking binoculars!

Gibbons hangs his head, as if slightly sad.

dom

Hey, guys…

Storm

Why don’t you settle down, Denise?

Uppercut

Why don’t you go to hell?

dom

(during uppercut’s line) Guys?

uppercut (cont)

(to Storm)Once again, you seem to think that you’re in charge here!

Storm

(brandishing his gun) Well, I am the one with the gun!

Dom

Guys!

Uppercut

Are you threatening me?!

dom

(finally raising his voice) Hey, Freaks!

The whole boat is quiet for a moment, and everyone turns to look soberly at Dom, his anger contrasting starkly with his playful pajamas. Face stern and severe, the thrusts one pointed hand ahead of the boat, without taking his eyes off of the rest of the crew.

dom

(slowly) Look at that duck…

Everyone but Dom turns to follow Dom’s pointing finger, and the other end of that finger is a small white duck. He is swimming away from the south bank, as if against a slight current. Gibbons gently takes his binoculars back, and silently examines the duck, which is now about 50 meters away. He lowers the binoculars and exclaims.

Gibbons

That’s it! good job, Dole. That’s the kind of thing that I’ve been searching for. That slight current indicates the location of a possible tributary portal. I wasn’t expecting to find one so quickly.

Suddenly gibbons is full of energy, Uppercut’s insult forgotten entirely. The crew members rush to prepare for their tasks as he gives orders.

gibbons

Ms. Uppercut, I need you to steer this craft down to where you see the duck, then I want you to swing the boat around, and head for the bank at a ninety, degree angle right where the duck is now.

Uppercut

(interrupting) But there’s nothing-

Gibbons

Trust me! (to Dom) Demetrius, open that locker (points to the locker) and get out one of the flagged stakes. I need you to mark the bank as we pass, so that our passage can be located again, if it’s useful. (to Storm) Mr. Storm, get your weapons ready!

Gibbons turns back to the front of the ship, and his hand comes to rest on his whip. Slowly, he unbuckles the catch, and lets the handle rest in his fingers. Uppercut is at the wheel concentrating fiercely, her goggles down over her eyes. Storm is standing at the other side of the boat, also facing forward, with his feet far apart, and both weapons ready. Dom stands ready on one side of the boat, holding a long wooden stake, tied with a bright green ribbon. As he looks toward the water, a shuriken suddenly appears in the wooden paneling, very near his crotch. He faints. Storm sees this and turns around quickly, knocking one shuriken out of the air with his staff, which sinks into the deck at his feet. Simultaneously, he fires his pistol off toward the control cabin, shattering a second shuriken; A fragment of which strikes Uppercut in the right shoulder-blade, causing her to cry out, and loose control of the wheel. Gibbons grabs her around the waist to steady her, as she begins to fall.

gibbons

Mr. Storm! What’s going on?!

storm

More ninjas!

Storm knocks another star away with his staff. This one falls into the water. His staff is spinning quickly in front of him, as he faces the rear of the craft.

storm (cont)

…two of them (beat) in a canoe…

Uppercut has regained her balance and is once more standing before the wheel of the boat, but her right arm hangs at her side, bloody and unmoving. After making sure that Uppercut is steady, Gibbons turns around and steps in between her and the rear of the vessel. His whip is ready at his side.

INTO slow motion:

Three stars spin through the air toward the boat. Two are aimed at Gibbons in the cabin, and one is headed toward Storm. Storm knocks his to the ground, and again shoots one that is headed toward the cabin. Gibbons’ whip knocks the third off course, and it sinks into the frame of the cabin alongside the fragments of the last one that Storm shot.

OUT OF slow motion:

The ninjas, whose canoe had been slowly falling behind the Shifty Tammy, sat down, grabbed their oars, and began rowing to catch up. Gibbons turned around just in time to catch Uppercut as she started to fall. He pushed her back up, careful to avoid her wounded shoulder.

Gibbons

Ms. Uppercut, you must keep this boat on course. You can faint later.

uppercut

(faintly) Bite my ass, professor.

Despite the curse, Uppercut grabs the wheel with her left hand, and pulls herself back towards it. Gibbon keeps on hand on the small of her back to support her while she steers one-handed. The boat maneuvers into place perfectly, and Uppercut stares, as a foggy tributary opens up, where there was none before. The duck quacks, as it finds the strength to fight the current enough to get out of the boat’s way.

Dom awakens at his point, and suddenly sits upright. He looks over the edge of the boat and sees the duck. He reaches out with the long stake, and tosses it toward the bank, as they pass. It sticks crookedly into the corner where the river meets the tributary. On a whim, he grabs a fish net from its hook above the bench on that side, and uses it to fish the duck out of the water, placing the tired animal on the deck. It immediately tucks its beak into its wing and rests soundly.

Storm aims his pistol at the ninjas who are still following, but the boat is moving at a strange angle, making the aim difficult. After a moment, the boats straiten out again relative to each other, and Storm takes a shot. One of the ninjas falls from the boat and disappears into the water. The mist has started to close around both boats, but Storm sights up and fires again. The second ninja falls from the boat, but only right after he sliced the green-ribboned stake at the ground, causing it to fall into the water.

Storm

Damn!

Uppercut finally completely faints, but Gibbons is still there with her, and he lowers her slowly onto her unwounded side. Keeping pressure on the wound, he calls out.

gibbons

Dillan!

Dom looks up from where he was sitting beside the duck, and quickly jumps up and runs over to the control cabin. When he gets there Gibbons begins to give him instructions.

gibbons

Quickly, grab that first-aid kit from the wall.

Dom does as he is told.

gibbons

Now apply pressure to this wound, while I remove the metal.

Dom sets the small white box at the professor’s side, and reaches out to Uppercut’s arm. The professor lets go of the wound with his right hand, and grabs Dom’s left, placing it quickly on the right spot.

Gibbons

I’m going to let go, keep holding, right there.

Dom

Okay…

Gibbons opens the kit, and retrieves from it a small tweezer. He uses it to fish into Uppercut’s wound for a moment, before he pulls out a small Shuriken tine. Dom grimaces as the blood flow begins to increase. It’s obvious that he’s never done anything like this before. The professor looks through the kit again. Unsatisfied, he reaches out and grabs the sleeve of her flight jacket.

gibbons

Hold her in place for a moment.

Dom nods, and increases his grip. Gibbons tugs at her sleeve, ripping it off just below the wound. Dom relaxes visibly. Gibbons pulls the fabric off of her arm, and uses it to perform a quick, but very skilled field dressing. He and Dom sit back and look out of the cabin’s windows. The ship is now completely surrounded by and opaque fog. They can barely see Storm where he stands on the deck.

gibbons

Oh no! The monkeys! Quickly, you must get yourself and Ms. Uppercut below deck! NOW! The Monkeys! THE MONKEEEEES!

Gibbons eyes are crazy, and he begins to mumble to himself softly as he pulls his whip from its place at his belt. With determination, Dom reaches under Uppercut’s limp form, and lifts her in his arms. Semi-conscious, she moans, and reaches up to wrap her arms around him. Gibbons runs out ahead of him, his whip reeling around his slight form. Uppercut opens her eyes slightly.

uppercut

(smiling, whispering pleasantly) Go to hell, kid.

Dom adopts a confused look as Uppercut’s eyes close again. She seems to drift back to unconsciousness, but she still grips Dom’s neck with laced fingers. Glancing at the din of monkey fighting that is going on outside, Dom takes a step toward the door, and stumbles. His glasses fall off of his face, and skitter across the deck, stopping when they bump into the sleeping duck, who quacks once, and returns to sleep, as a monkey bounces off of the deck in front of him, crushing the glasses. Dom ignores this, and makes a ducking dash across the deck to the below-decks door. He manages to open the door with a few free fingers, and descends the stairs with his burden, letting the door slam closed behind him. As the door closes, a monkey who has just been thrown from Storm’s shoulder mashes into the closed door. In front of the door, Storm and Gibbons now move in small circles, back to back. As they turn the frequency of monkey attacks begins to decrease significantly.

storm

(over his shoulder) Are they giving up?

Gibbons whips two more approaching monkeys before he responds. Storm beats away a monkey with his stick, that was reaching for the handle to the below-decks door.

Gibbons

Different portals last for different amounts of time. This one may be a short crossing.

When he finishes speaking, the remaining monkeys grab their wounded, and leap overboard. Very suddenly, the boat is very quiet. Gibbons begins to tie up his whip right away, but Storm seems unsure about letting his guard down.

Storm

What happens now?

gibbons

A waterfall.

Storm’s head whips around to stare briefly at the professor, then he runs to the control cabin to look out the front of the boat. Ahead the fog is beginning to clear, and the drop off can be clearly seen as a white line, terminating the current river. The river speeds it’s flow as Storm turns around to look worriedly into the professor’s unworried face.

int. - below-decks hallway on the shifty tammy - afternoon

This hall connects six rooms, and the stairway up to the deck. The walls and floors are all wooden, and a few maps and scrolls hang on the walls between the doors. Fighting noises, and monkey squealing can be heard as though through a wooden door. Dom pushes open the door at the top of the stairs and steps through with Uppercut in his arms. As he steps quickly though, the door swings shut behind him, then shakes and bangs, as if a monkey has hit the other side of it. Dom flinches, and Uppercut stirs awake in his arms.

uppercut

(still whispering) Put me down, you ass-hat…

Uppercut drifts away again, leaving Dom stunned, but only for a moment. He walks to one of the doors in the hallway, and deftly maneuvers it open with just his fingers again. A woman’s scream is heard then:

Hilda (os)

Ich bin blank! Sie schlechter Mann!! Raub! RAUB!

Before the yelling is finished, Dom has pushed the door back into place, so half of the line is heard muffled through the door. He shakes his head as if to release an image, then he opens the next door down, this one more carefully. The sounds of muffled monkey fighting have slowed somewhat.

int. - uppercut’s room on the shifty tammy - afternoon

Dom, carrying Uppercut, stumbles through the door and steps toward the pink bedroom set. He exhaustedly sets the woman down on her bed. He turns and settles to his haunches beside the bed, then finally comes to rest on the floor with his back against the side of Uppercut’s bed. Dom looks down at his monkey pajamas and notices that Uppercut’s blood is covering his whole front. At the same time the muffled fighting comes to a complete stop. Dom looks up at the ceiling as if to confirm. For a moment the room is perfectly still. Uppercut rolls toward the side of the bed where Dom sits, away from her wounded shoulder.

Uppercut

Hey, kid…

Dom

(turning, suddenly frustrated) What, Denise?! You have another swear for me?

uppercut

(softly) No, (beat) you saved my life…

Dom’s face softens again and he looks a little embarrassed. Suddenly, while Dom is glancing away, Uppercut slaps him across the cheek with her bad arm.

uppercut

I hate you! Ow!

Uppercut grabs at her shoulder with her good arm as she falls back into her bed. Dom looks furious. Uppercut lets go of her wound and brings her bloody hand to her face, she hides behind it as she begins to cry, smearing blood on her nose and forehead.

uppercut

(sobbing) I’m sorry, Dom. I’m so sorry…

Exasperated, Dom turns once again to sit with his back to her bed. After a moment her sobs stop, and the regular breathing of sleep becomes her new noise. Dom pulls his legs up to his chest, and lays his face in the cradle created there by his arms and knees. The boat rocks sharply, and the lights in the room flicker momentarily. Dom looks back up to the ceiling. His face is drawn and slightly sad.

ext. - Upper deck of the shifty tammy - afternoon

Storm and Gibbons are in the control cabin looking out over the falls, as the boat begins to tip.

gibbons

Hold on tight, Mr. Storm.

storm

I wasn’t exactly planning some shuffleboard just now!

Gibbons ignores the sarcastic remark. His knuckles are turning white with the strain of gripping the handles on the wall. Storm mimics him, and the boat completely tips over the edge, causing the two men to slam into each other, roughly. Splashing water completely fills the frame.

FADE OUT

END